The Confused Butterfly

Tag: Kindness

  • Rising from the ashes

    Rising from the ashes

    I’m a firm believer that out of all challenges in life, there’s an opportunity for change, an opportunity for betterment and an opportunity to rise again no matter how great a fall. Last year, though challenging for everyone due to the Coronavirus pandemic, it was particularly challenging for me due to some personal issues I’ve been facing. With a fresh perspective, renewed hope, greater faith and trust in a power greater than myself (reluctant though it may be) I am ready to face 2021 with my new armour. Now, that’s not to say I won’t have sad days and difficult nights (like I’m facing right now and perhaps the inspiration for this post). However, I now know that it’s all about progress not perfection. Trusting that there is a greater plan out there and having more self compassion for myself, whilst slowly reducing the guilt and shame I feel for my past transgressions, I know that I can make it…even if just for another night.

    You see, the only thing guaranteed about recovery, from almost anything, is that it’s never easy. You can bet that it’ll be heart-wrenching, soul-destroying, full of tears and confusion. You’ll go through just about every emotion under the sun and possibly, will feel like you are going through Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief repeatedly. It may feel like there’s no end in sight and you may aswell give up: on the efforts to get better; humanity; the world and sometimes despairingly so, on yourself. But I’m here to tell you that it’s not worth it. Giving up because a night is difficult might feel like the only option, but is it really what you want? I’ll bet you don’t. You may think or feel like you need to make a drastic choice in this moment to alleviate your pain, but honestly, you don’t and I’m sure if you dig deep within your heart, like I have, you might find that this need to take destructive action stems from a position of unmanageability and lack of control, not because you truly want to. Trust me, I know what a bummer life can be sometimes but I’m evidence of the fact that it is possible to face it head on and whilst putting one foot in front of the other in an attempt to move forwards more positively. The problems you face, the people causing you distress or the issues you are worrying so earnestly about right now are not worth your tears and continued distress. It feel like it’s the end of the world, but in a few years’ time, you may even be grateful for what you’ve gone through and I truly believe that we go through certain things in order to make us more attuned to the pain of others as well as to give hope to those lost souls in the future.

    So on this day, remember to offer yourself compassion. Look back at your life or the last year and see how far you’ve come. Despite the crazy set of cards life has dealt you with, you’re still here, breathing and a true warrior! I have faith in you! We were all made with unique qualities and strengths that make us worthy of being alive and we all make important contributions to this world. All human life is precious and that includes yours, no matter how rotten you might be feeling right now. So find that strength, be like a Phoenix who rises from the ashes and join me in my plight to meet every challenge 2021 may throw our way with acceptance, realisation and love. I know you can do it and I’ll certainly try with every fibre of my being.

    So what are you waiting for?

    Go on, spread your wings and soar,

    The Confused Butterfly

    Disclaimer: The contents of this website are intended for educational purposes only. Nothing found on this site should be a substitute for professional medical advice nor is it a substitute for therapy. Therefore, please seek the advice of a Doctor or Mental Health Practitioner if you have any concerns about your wellbeing. These views are personal to me and are in no way a representation of other individuals or organisations.

  • Emotional invalidation

    Emotional invalidation

    Emotional Invalidation = Abuse

    “Hold on a minute, what do you mean by that?” I hear many of you asking. Well for starters, let’s look at what invalidation means.

    Invalidation, in simplistic terms, refers to rejecting something as truth or making it void. Emotional invalidation therefore is when someone’s personal thoughts and/or feelings are rejected, dismissed, ignored or judged (often by someone else, but sometimes by the person themselves).

    It might not seem clear to you now, but hopefully, by the end of this post you’ll come to realise why emotional invalidation is THE worst form of abuse and how it can really damage a person’s self-esteem and confidence. Essentially, when emotionally invalidating someone, you are not allowing them to feel what they feel and most likely, you’ll be encouraging them to believe that they’re different or crazy. We all have flaws, and I’m in no way saying I’m perfect by any stretch of my imagination but, not allowing someone to feel the intensity of their emotions, express who they are or simply just be, is cruel.

    Growing up, I spent most of my days feeling like I wasn’t seen, heard or understood and even to this day, I find myself strongly believing that I don’t belong in this world. I grew up in an environment where: my academic achievements were constantly compared to others; love had to be earned; nothing I ever did was good enough; and I was consistently told that I was ungrateful, selfish and rude. My hobbies were mapped out for me, my life was kept on the straight and narrow, and my feelings – well they were often dismissed, as well as hugely misunderstood. Even to this day, I have people in my life that say I’m exaggerating, dramatic or crazy. Though often unintentional, some people also say “but you have so much to be grateful for, think of all those people starving in Africa or who have it worse than you”. Oh right, okay then – just because I’m not impoverished or don’t have a terminal illness, I am not allowed to feel a certain way? Seriously, what kind of bulls**t is that?!

    Having been misunderstood for most of my adult life, I want to tell people who are struggling from the effects of emotional invalidation (be it from the past or the present) that your feelings matter. What you think, believe and feel in the depths of your soul matters. That feeling you get before an important business meeting matters. That pain you feel when you see a loved one moving on matters. It all matters. However, the most important thing to remember is that YOU matter and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

    It’s all too easy to rely on others as well as external situations as a means of validation. However, what I’ve come to realise (albeit painfully so) is that no-one has your back apart from you. Yes, you read that correctly and I’d like you to read that again, but no-one has your back apart from you. Sadly, nothing in this life is guaranteed, including people, places and things. We all make mistakes, hurt people and make the wrong choices. But, it’s important to realise that this is what makes us human. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and looking to achievements or others to validate you, validate yourself.

    What do I mean by that? Well, think of what you might say to a friend who is struggling with difficult feelings or emotions and just wants to be authentic by expressing how they feel to you. How would you respond? If you have even an ounce of empathy, I imagine you would say something along the lines of: “I hear you”; “That must be difficult”; “It’s okay to feel the way you do”; and so on. I therefore implore you to flip that on it’s head and say all of those things to yourself.

    Next time you’re feeling low and like everything’s too much; pause, step back and take a breath. What you’re feeling is okay and sometimes it’s okay not to be okay. You have an inherent strength inside of you so don’t invalidate yourself. Instead, self soothe and look at how much stronger you will be as a result of this moment, for it too shall pass.

    Validation comes from within. Remember that.

    Spread your wings and soar,

    The Confused Butterfly

    Disclaimer: The contents of this website are intended for educational purposes only. Nothing found on this site should be a substitute for professional medical advice nor is it a substitute for therapy. Therefore, please seek the advice of a Doctor or Mental Health Practitioner if you have any concerns about your wellbeing. These views are personal to me and are in no way a representation of other individuals or organisations.