The Confused Butterfly

Tag: Life

  • Acceptance with dignity

    Acceptance with dignity

    Given everything that went on in the United States yesterday, I feel it’s appropriate to share with you some thoughts about a topic I’ve wanted to talk about for a while – acceptance. Specifically, acceptance of: what was; what is and what will be. You see, the thing about acceptance is that it’s pretty much the easiest thing to do when you’re faced with a situation or person that aligns with what you’d hoped for and wanted. However, it can feel next to impossible to accept a situation when it appears (on the outset) to be unfair, unjust or not representative of your efforts.

    I have no shame admitting this, but in the past, if something hadn’t gone according to my plan, I really struggled to accept it and let it go. For example, when I’d put every ounce into my studies only to get mediocre grades in secondary school at the final hurdles, or when I’d lost friends through my depression or even, loved ones to illness – acceptance has often been my biggest battle. Now, it’s not to say that I’m spoilt and expect things to go my way (because if you know me by now, my life has been far from the perfect fairytale) but I really had a hard time accepting endings, outcomes and feelings when something major happens in life. When I feel that my efforts have been wasted, or saddened that my life needs to take another course which couldn’t be further from what I’d planned, I’ve often been beside myself with helplessness. Have you ever felt this way too? I’m sure you have, and if you haven’t, way to go – you’re steps ahead!

    So how have I managed to deal with it, and what actually works? Well it’s only been a recent phenomenon to me, but in short – surrender. Specifically, surrender and reliance on a force greater than myself. Now I’m not saying that if you don’t believe in God or a Higher Power, you’re doomed. Absolutely not! Surrender essentially means to stop resisting an enemy or opponent and give oneself up, typically on compulsion or demand. When applying it do daily life, it could look something like stopping the act of resisting a situation or thing you can’t change and instead, accepting it for what it is with faith and hope in a more positive outcome in the future. It’s when you aren’t looking to change and/or control something/someone, but instead, trusting that whatever will be, will be – cause let’s face it, control is an illusion and there’s not much we as individuals can control… apart from ourselves, our response to things and our behaviours.

    Donald Trump’s resistance to concede and despicable behaviour with regards to the outcome of the US election is evidence of the devastating effects resistance can have; on not only yourself as the individual, but those around you. Resistance is powerful and can make someone behave in unthinkable ways when really, all they want is for the pain to stop and for the outcome to be more pleasing to them. All they really need is a bit of clarity and perspective, coupled with some self-compassion. However, if there’s something we all know, it’s that life might not always be what you want and you’ll not always get whatever it is you are chasing, so doing this can be hard when you feel deep in a powerful feeling. Trusting in the timing of things and the natural order of life is key. Resisting change only hurts yourself and pursuing a path of destruction to get what you want will often leave you feeling powerless or ashamed, rather than empowered and dignified.

    I have in no way mastered the art of acceptance and letting things go, nor do I particularly trust anything to go the way it’s meant to. However, I am learning to accept things better, and day-by-day with practice and dedication, its becoming easier to put one step in front of the other. With the courage of knowing that whatever I’m faced with, I will be able to deal with helps and the best news is, you can try this too!

    If you’re struggling to accept a situation, an outcome of an event, or simply accept how your life is right now following the pandemic that has ravaged this world, trust that there’s a time and place for everything and if you let go of the need to protect yourself through control as well as resistance, you will feel more peaceful for it.

    I implore you to join me on the challenge of acceptance today. Surrendering in any form is hard, but resistance and control causes far greater damage. With this in mind, I know we can do it.

    So, what are you waiting for?

    Spread your wings and fly,

    The Confused Butterfly

    Disclaimer: The contents of this website are intended for educational purposes only. Nothing found on this site should be a substitute for professional medical advice nor is it a substitute for therapy. Therefore, please seek the advice of a Doctor or Mental Health Practitioner if you have any concerns about your wellbeing. These views are personal to me and are in no way a representation of other individuals or organisations.

  • Rising from the ashes

    Rising from the ashes

    I’m a firm believer that out of all challenges in life, there’s an opportunity for change, an opportunity for betterment and an opportunity to rise again no matter how great a fall. Last year, though challenging for everyone due to the Coronavirus pandemic, it was particularly challenging for me due to some personal issues I’ve been facing. With a fresh perspective, renewed hope, greater faith and trust in a power greater than myself (reluctant though it may be) I am ready to face 2021 with my new armour. Now, that’s not to say I won’t have sad days and difficult nights (like I’m facing right now and perhaps the inspiration for this post). However, I now know that it’s all about progress not perfection. Trusting that there is a greater plan out there and having more self compassion for myself, whilst slowly reducing the guilt and shame I feel for my past transgressions, I know that I can make it…even if just for another night.

    You see, the only thing guaranteed about recovery, from almost anything, is that it’s never easy. You can bet that it’ll be heart-wrenching, soul-destroying, full of tears and confusion. You’ll go through just about every emotion under the sun and possibly, will feel like you are going through Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief repeatedly. It may feel like there’s no end in sight and you may aswell give up: on the efforts to get better; humanity; the world and sometimes despairingly so, on yourself. But I’m here to tell you that it’s not worth it. Giving up because a night is difficult might feel like the only option, but is it really what you want? I’ll bet you don’t. You may think or feel like you need to make a drastic choice in this moment to alleviate your pain, but honestly, you don’t and I’m sure if you dig deep within your heart, like I have, you might find that this need to take destructive action stems from a position of unmanageability and lack of control, not because you truly want to. Trust me, I know what a bummer life can be sometimes but I’m evidence of the fact that it is possible to face it head on and whilst putting one foot in front of the other in an attempt to move forwards more positively. The problems you face, the people causing you distress or the issues you are worrying so earnestly about right now are not worth your tears and continued distress. It feel like it’s the end of the world, but in a few years’ time, you may even be grateful for what you’ve gone through and I truly believe that we go through certain things in order to make us more attuned to the pain of others as well as to give hope to those lost souls in the future.

    So on this day, remember to offer yourself compassion. Look back at your life or the last year and see how far you’ve come. Despite the crazy set of cards life has dealt you with, you’re still here, breathing and a true warrior! I have faith in you! We were all made with unique qualities and strengths that make us worthy of being alive and we all make important contributions to this world. All human life is precious and that includes yours, no matter how rotten you might be feeling right now. So find that strength, be like a Phoenix who rises from the ashes and join me in my plight to meet every challenge 2021 may throw our way with acceptance, realisation and love. I know you can do it and I’ll certainly try with every fibre of my being.

    So what are you waiting for?

    Go on, spread your wings and soar,

    The Confused Butterfly

    Disclaimer: The contents of this website are intended for educational purposes only. Nothing found on this site should be a substitute for professional medical advice nor is it a substitute for therapy. Therefore, please seek the advice of a Doctor or Mental Health Practitioner if you have any concerns about your wellbeing. These views are personal to me and are in no way a representation of other individuals or organisations.

  • When hurt cuts deep

    When hurt cuts deep

    No-one is immune to facing challenges and no-one is protected from feeling hurt. Whether it is caused by strangers, colleagues, friends, family or the ones you love, hurt is inevitable. What matters is how you deal with it. Do you talk about it or do you bottle it up? Do you turn to sex, drugs or alcohol or do you actually seek help? Do you take your feelings out on someone else or do you punish yourself for how you feel? Do you sit with yourself honestly and compassionately or do you berate yourself for being alive? Whatever way you deal with it, it’s important (at some stage) to take the time to pick the hurt apart because in not doing so, you not only risk affecting the lives of those around you, but most importantly, you end up causing long-term damage to yourself including, your self-esteem. Trust me, I’ve been on the receiving end of other people’s issues and in the same vein, others have been on the receiving end of the feelings I’ve not dealt with, and I’m telling you it’s not pretty from either side. All that’s left is anger, resentment, bitterness and more hurt.

    I have by no means perfected the art of dealing with my hurt but I try. Every day I fight to live another day, to be the best version of myself and believe me when I say, I do try and show compassion to those around me even when it feels like I have nothing left to give. Whilst I don’t always get it right, I do try and if you can try too, then you’ve already won half the battle (in my opinion anyway). But you can’t even begin to try if you immediately choose something else to distract you and don’t face up to the deep emotional challenges within you. How can you face your hurt if you’ve already moved onto something new; be it a person or thing?

    Recovering from years of childhood trauma, severe depression as a result, and now anxiety, I’ve learnt that the only way to deal with hurt is it to sit with it, determine the root cause and then choose whether to accept the situation, change it or let it go. I often struggle with both acceptance and letting go. Instead, you’ll always find me trying desperately to change a situation. Does that sound like you? If it does, it really sucks doesn’t it? If you are one of the lucky few that have successfully mastered the art of acceptance and letting go, well done! It’s jolly hard and a skill I’d love to be able to call upon in hard times, so that really does deserve a pat on the back.

    Anyway, I digress. Dealing with hurt is important. End of. Why? Because you’ll only end up hurting yourself further. You’ll do this by worrying, overthinking and then ruining opportunities that come your way because you’re too upset and sad to see past it. Sometimes, though alot of people might not understand why, you may end up hurting yourself physically to remove some of the anguish you feel. I’ve been there and done that many times. I’m not proud of it and always feel annoyed with myself the following morning, but in those moments of pure hurt where you feel like you’ve not been heard or seen for you, you want the pain to stop so badly. At the same time however, you don’t want to die because deep inside of you, there is still a flutter of hope. Hope to keep believing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, strength to inspire you to fight another day and love, for yourself, your family and anyone who might need it.

    Next time you think of reaching for that bottle of whisky, feel like punching a wall or find yourself taking the scissors out to cut yourself, breathe and know that you’re okay. This too shall pass. What you’re feeling is okay and even though it may not feel like it, things do get better. Just like the sun never fails to rise each morning, you will be able to laugh again soon. In the meantime, try your best to self-soothe. How? For starters, jotting down your thoughts helps. If you’ve got into an argument with someone, what it is it about that incident that hurts you. Is it the feeling of being rejected, abandoned or shut down? Whatever you’re feeling, grab a pen and whatever is available for you to write on and jot it down. Your thoughts matter, your feelings matter and the paper wants to know your story. Noting things down helps you in the future for when you need a reference point in a not too dissimilar situation. Next, depending on the time and safety of your area, put your trainers on and go for a run. Never run before? Doesn’t matter. Can’t run? That’s not true. Everyone can. Whatever you do, get your heart racing and blood pumping so that there are some nice healthy endorphins. If you’re spiritual and open to self-development, reach out for your favourite quote or passage – read it and believe it. It may help. Lastly, give yourself a break. Whatever’s happened, has happened and there’s nothing you can do to change it. If you have hurt someone else, apologise and make things right. If someone has hurt you, forgive them and don’t berate them for it. Everyone is going through a battle you may know nothing about and nobody’s perfect, including you.

    Hurt cuts deep. If you don’t deal with it healthily (like I failed to do yesterday) you will live with the regret, remorse and resentment you feel towards yourself the following morning because you didn’t do enough to get yourself out of a dark place. Like I say though, we all mess up and nobody’s perfect but facing the pain head on helps, whilst escaping it does nothing. So, next time you find yourself getting angry or sad at something that has happened, ask yourself what you’re reacting to and deal with it. If you ever find that some of the hurt is too much to handle, seeking a qualified professional who is trained to deal with difficult trauma is worthwhile and something I would definitely recommend because you’ll only end up hurting yourself and those you love if you constantly avoid it.

    Spread your wings (as tired as they may be) and soar,

    The Confused Butterfly

    Disclaimer: The contents of this website are intended for educational purposes only. Nothing found on this site should be a substitute for professional medical advice nor is it a substitute for therapy. Therefore, please seek the advice of a Doctor or Mental Health Practitioner if you have any concerns about your wellbeing. These views are personal to me and are in no way a representation of other individuals or organisations.

  • The fragility of life

    The fragility of life

    Life is fragile and if there’s anything this Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic has taught me that you can never be too certain about tomorrow; for it may never come. Now, I don’t mean to sound dismal, but it really has helped put things into perspective (for me at least).

    Before COVID-19 swept across the UK, I was living my normal life albeit with a few significant changes since December 2019, but that aside, it was relatively ordinary and like many others, I took a lot of things for granted. This included, basic necessities like toilet roll, groceries, being able to walk outside – but also, people, places and physical human contact.

    I don’t know about you, but after a few days, I was already tired of working from home. The idea was novel at first – exciting even – and I couldn’t wait to get up late, roll out of bed and switch on my laptop each day, but I soon realised that it was getting old and I desperately missed human contact. I missed the morning commute on the tube as it was a chance to clear my head, read a book and have ‘me’ time, but I also found myself missing being able to turn around, talk to colleagues and go outside for a walk during lunch.

    During the course of the last 10 weeks, I’ve come to realise a number of things but the one that has stood out in my mind and one I’d like to share with you, is that life is indeed fragile. Regardless of your personal situation or the unusual circumstances you may find yourself in, remember to take a moment to pause every now and again. Look at your life, your way of living, and ask yourself if you truly appreciate what you have been blessed with today.

    If you have a job, are you truly grateful for it no matter how hard it is sometimes? If you have a spouse or significant other, do you truly appreciate them? If you have parents and siblings who are alive, do you take the time to tell them how much you love and cherish them? If you have a roof over your head, do you take a moment to feel grateful for the fact that you aren’t out on the streets like many unfortunate people out there?

    If you’re like me, you probably wouldn’t have done any of those in the past. But, I urge you to take a few minutes each day from now on, to reflect on the fact that life is uncertain. We have no idea when our time will be up, we have no idea what tomorrow may bring, but what we do have control over, is how we live our lives each day. Instead of thinking about what could have been, what was, and what will be, we should think about what is. What is our life like right now? Are we mindlessly living each day with no care in the world or no consideration for what could happen if everything is stripped away from us?

    The fragility of life, I feel, teaches us to live each moment as if it were our last. We need to be thinking about the fact that if a photographer took a photograph at any given point right now, would it be a picture we would be happy to see? We need to be thinking about others and taking the time to really reflect on how we live our lives.

    Ask yourself: Does your heart beat for yourself, or for others too?

    Whatever the answer, know that whilst you can’t go back and change things you might regret, you have the option to make a conscious decision as to how you live your life going forwards. Are you going to take the little things for granted, or are you going to realise that the little things are actually the big things and start to appreciate them more?

    I hope you do the latter, because the fragility of life demonstrates that in an instant, everything can change. Everything you have ever known can vanish within seconds. So why then would you choose to live a life of regret?

    Spread your wings and soar,

    The Confused Butterfly

    Disclaimer: The contents of this website are intended for educational purposes only. Nothing found on this site should be a substitute for professional medical advice nor is it a substitute for therapy. Therefore, please seek the advice of a Doctor or Mental Health Practitioner if you have any concerns about your wellbeing. These views are personal to me and are in no way a representation of other individuals or organisations.