Dancing with suicide

There are often times when I find myself wishing I was dead and had never been born. These times are more frequent than they used to be and strike me with such vengeance that I often find myself questioning how I’m still standing after all this time.

Suicide for me has never been idealised and instead it’s always been a route I’ve considered as an escape from this world. An escape so that I don’t need to live the life I’ve got here on Earth, an escape from everything that pains me and a respite for all the challenges life has chucked my way. You see when I talk about suicide, I don’t need nor want you to have any pity for me nor feel a deep sorrow for the anguish I’m feeling, I need you to understand how truly isolating, frustrating and energy-sapping severe depression and other mental health disorders can be. When I contemplate suicide, the truth is I honestly don’t really want to die either. I just want a way to live harmoniously without chains keeping me locked and clouds above my head sapping what little energy I have on a daily basis. I want to feel joy for the little things and I guess a part of me wants to not face the things that cause me the most distress – unprocessed feelings, shame, failure and guilt for all the things I couldn’t do.

Suicide, in my opinion, is never contemplated from a selfish place, nor is it ever considered through an act of selflessness. It’s more often than not, a last dash at happiness when all else fails and an escape from situations and circumstances that feel too much to bear. When life feels like it’s hurtling me down a motorway at frightening speeds or when I continuously feel misunderstood, unheard and isolated is when I grasp tightly onto the idea that suicide is the only way out.

I hate that the first thing someone says when an individual commits suicide is “oh what a selfish, self-centred human being for causing me inconvenience on my commute to work” or “how could he/she do that to their family?” or “did they not think about anyone other then themselves?”. Comments like these are insensitive, ignorant and downright stupid because I can guarantee you that anyone who has contemplated killing themselves or made attempts to do so were in very dark places when considering all their options. Though it might be difficult for you to hear, they would have painstakingly considered all avenues and meticulously planned their death to the nth degree – the top thing on their mind would be to cause as little pain as possible to their loved ones and ultimately reduce the burden and impact of their disease on their loved ones’ lives. At the end of the day, it’s not nice always sapping the energy of those you love and being the downer in a group of friends right?

When everything is profoundly overwhelming and I feel like there’s nowhere else to turn, that’s when suicide asks me if I’d like to dance. The dance is not pleasant, it’s very painful and grips me tighter with each step. However, I’d be lying if I said that the thought of starting afresh by ending my life and being born again wasn’t the least bit attractive. Of course, I know that on the other side, there’s no guarantee. Suicide is not the answer and never will be, but I guess for me it offers a hopeful alternative to my present reality.

I’m lucky to have a large support network who do their best and mostly succeed in pulling me out of the dark pits but for those of you that don’t, know that suicide is not all it promises to be. I know that if you continued to give life your best shot, there would be plenty of support and resources available for you to use. People are more open about mental health now and the stigma is much reduced. Talking helps and it’s okay not to be okay. Your life is valuable, precious and means more to those who love you even if they might not always show it nor express it appropriately. Who you are matters, what you say matters and you matter. You are a unique individual destined for great things. Even when things seem bleak, have a look at the world around you, notice how many wonderful things there are to be grateful for and look to the person sitting next to you, because chances are they have been through what you may be going through and wouldn’t want to see you dead either. The world is a brighter place with you, you deserve to shine bright – just make sure you’re kind to yourself and compassionate towards others in the process.

You’ll be absolutely fine. We’ve got this.

Spread your wings as tired as they may be and soar,

The Confused Butterfly

Disclaimer: The contents of this website are intended for educational purposes only. Nothing found on this site should be a substitute for professional medical advice nor is it a substitute for therapy. Therefore, please seek the advice of a Doctor or Mental Health Practitioner if you have any concerns about your wellbeing. These views are personal to me and are in no way a representation of other individuals or organisations.