The Confused Butterfly

Tag: Self-love

  • Rising from the ashes

    Rising from the ashes

    I’m a firm believer that out of all challenges in life, there’s an opportunity for change, an opportunity for betterment and an opportunity to rise again no matter how great a fall. Last year, though challenging for everyone due to the Coronavirus pandemic, it was particularly challenging for me due to some personal issues I’ve been facing. With a fresh perspective, renewed hope, greater faith and trust in a power greater than myself (reluctant though it may be) I am ready to face 2021 with my new armour. Now, that’s not to say I won’t have sad days and difficult nights (like I’m facing right now and perhaps the inspiration for this post). However, I now know that it’s all about progress not perfection. Trusting that there is a greater plan out there and having more self compassion for myself, whilst slowly reducing the guilt and shame I feel for my past transgressions, I know that I can make it…even if just for another night.

    You see, the only thing guaranteed about recovery, from almost anything, is that it’s never easy. You can bet that it’ll be heart-wrenching, soul-destroying, full of tears and confusion. You’ll go through just about every emotion under the sun and possibly, will feel like you are going through Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief repeatedly. It may feel like there’s no end in sight and you may aswell give up: on the efforts to get better; humanity; the world and sometimes despairingly so, on yourself. But I’m here to tell you that it’s not worth it. Giving up because a night is difficult might feel like the only option, but is it really what you want? I’ll bet you don’t. You may think or feel like you need to make a drastic choice in this moment to alleviate your pain, but honestly, you don’t and I’m sure if you dig deep within your heart, like I have, you might find that this need to take destructive action stems from a position of unmanageability and lack of control, not because you truly want to. Trust me, I know what a bummer life can be sometimes but I’m evidence of the fact that it is possible to face it head on and whilst putting one foot in front of the other in an attempt to move forwards more positively. The problems you face, the people causing you distress or the issues you are worrying so earnestly about right now are not worth your tears and continued distress. It feel like it’s the end of the world, but in a few years’ time, you may even be grateful for what you’ve gone through and I truly believe that we go through certain things in order to make us more attuned to the pain of others as well as to give hope to those lost souls in the future.

    So on this day, remember to offer yourself compassion. Look back at your life or the last year and see how far you’ve come. Despite the crazy set of cards life has dealt you with, you’re still here, breathing and a true warrior! I have faith in you! We were all made with unique qualities and strengths that make us worthy of being alive and we all make important contributions to this world. All human life is precious and that includes yours, no matter how rotten you might be feeling right now. So find that strength, be like a Phoenix who rises from the ashes and join me in my plight to meet every challenge 2021 may throw our way with acceptance, realisation and love. I know you can do it and I’ll certainly try with every fibre of my being.

    So what are you waiting for?

    Go on, spread your wings and soar,

    The Confused Butterfly

    Disclaimer: The contents of this website are intended for educational purposes only. Nothing found on this site should be a substitute for professional medical advice nor is it a substitute for therapy. Therefore, please seek the advice of a Doctor or Mental Health Practitioner if you have any concerns about your wellbeing. These views are personal to me and are in no way a representation of other individuals or organisations.

  • When hurt cuts deep

    When hurt cuts deep

    No-one is immune to facing challenges and no-one is protected from feeling hurt. Whether it is caused by strangers, colleagues, friends, family or the ones you love, hurt is inevitable. What matters is how you deal with it. Do you talk about it or do you bottle it up? Do you turn to sex, drugs or alcohol or do you actually seek help? Do you take your feelings out on someone else or do you punish yourself for how you feel? Do you sit with yourself honestly and compassionately or do you berate yourself for being alive? Whatever way you deal with it, it’s important (at some stage) to take the time to pick the hurt apart because in not doing so, you not only risk affecting the lives of those around you, but most importantly, you end up causing long-term damage to yourself including, your self-esteem. Trust me, I’ve been on the receiving end of other people’s issues and in the same vein, others have been on the receiving end of the feelings I’ve not dealt with, and I’m telling you it’s not pretty from either side. All that’s left is anger, resentment, bitterness and more hurt.

    I have by no means perfected the art of dealing with my hurt but I try. Every day I fight to live another day, to be the best version of myself and believe me when I say, I do try and show compassion to those around me even when it feels like I have nothing left to give. Whilst I don’t always get it right, I do try and if you can try too, then you’ve already won half the battle (in my opinion anyway). But you can’t even begin to try if you immediately choose something else to distract you and don’t face up to the deep emotional challenges within you. How can you face your hurt if you’ve already moved onto something new; be it a person or thing?

    Recovering from years of childhood trauma, severe depression as a result, and now anxiety, I’ve learnt that the only way to deal with hurt is it to sit with it, determine the root cause and then choose whether to accept the situation, change it or let it go. I often struggle with both acceptance and letting go. Instead, you’ll always find me trying desperately to change a situation. Does that sound like you? If it does, it really sucks doesn’t it? If you are one of the lucky few that have successfully mastered the art of acceptance and letting go, well done! It’s jolly hard and a skill I’d love to be able to call upon in hard times, so that really does deserve a pat on the back.

    Anyway, I digress. Dealing with hurt is important. End of. Why? Because you’ll only end up hurting yourself further. You’ll do this by worrying, overthinking and then ruining opportunities that come your way because you’re too upset and sad to see past it. Sometimes, though alot of people might not understand why, you may end up hurting yourself physically to remove some of the anguish you feel. I’ve been there and done that many times. I’m not proud of it and always feel annoyed with myself the following morning, but in those moments of pure hurt where you feel like you’ve not been heard or seen for you, you want the pain to stop so badly. At the same time however, you don’t want to die because deep inside of you, there is still a flutter of hope. Hope to keep believing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, strength to inspire you to fight another day and love, for yourself, your family and anyone who might need it.

    Next time you think of reaching for that bottle of whisky, feel like punching a wall or find yourself taking the scissors out to cut yourself, breathe and know that you’re okay. This too shall pass. What you’re feeling is okay and even though it may not feel like it, things do get better. Just like the sun never fails to rise each morning, you will be able to laugh again soon. In the meantime, try your best to self-soothe. How? For starters, jotting down your thoughts helps. If you’ve got into an argument with someone, what it is it about that incident that hurts you. Is it the feeling of being rejected, abandoned or shut down? Whatever you’re feeling, grab a pen and whatever is available for you to write on and jot it down. Your thoughts matter, your feelings matter and the paper wants to know your story. Noting things down helps you in the future for when you need a reference point in a not too dissimilar situation. Next, depending on the time and safety of your area, put your trainers on and go for a run. Never run before? Doesn’t matter. Can’t run? That’s not true. Everyone can. Whatever you do, get your heart racing and blood pumping so that there are some nice healthy endorphins. If you’re spiritual and open to self-development, reach out for your favourite quote or passage – read it and believe it. It may help. Lastly, give yourself a break. Whatever’s happened, has happened and there’s nothing you can do to change it. If you have hurt someone else, apologise and make things right. If someone has hurt you, forgive them and don’t berate them for it. Everyone is going through a battle you may know nothing about and nobody’s perfect, including you.

    Hurt cuts deep. If you don’t deal with it healthily (like I failed to do yesterday) you will live with the regret, remorse and resentment you feel towards yourself the following morning because you didn’t do enough to get yourself out of a dark place. Like I say though, we all mess up and nobody’s perfect but facing the pain head on helps, whilst escaping it does nothing. So, next time you find yourself getting angry or sad at something that has happened, ask yourself what you’re reacting to and deal with it. If you ever find that some of the hurt is too much to handle, seeking a qualified professional who is trained to deal with difficult trauma is worthwhile and something I would definitely recommend because you’ll only end up hurting yourself and those you love if you constantly avoid it.

    Spread your wings (as tired as they may be) and soar,

    The Confused Butterfly

    Disclaimer: The contents of this website are intended for educational purposes only. Nothing found on this site should be a substitute for professional medical advice nor is it a substitute for therapy. Therefore, please seek the advice of a Doctor or Mental Health Practitioner if you have any concerns about your wellbeing. These views are personal to me and are in no way a representation of other individuals or organisations.

  • Emotional invalidation

    Emotional invalidation

    Emotional Invalidation = Abuse

    “Hold on a minute, what do you mean by that?” I hear many of you asking. Well for starters, let’s look at what invalidation means.

    Invalidation, in simplistic terms, refers to rejecting something as truth or making it void. Emotional invalidation therefore is when someone’s personal thoughts and/or feelings are rejected, dismissed, ignored or judged (often by someone else, but sometimes by the person themselves).

    It might not seem clear to you now, but hopefully, by the end of this post you’ll come to realise why emotional invalidation is THE worst form of abuse and how it can really damage a person’s self-esteem and confidence. Essentially, when emotionally invalidating someone, you are not allowing them to feel what they feel and most likely, you’ll be encouraging them to believe that they’re different or crazy. We all have flaws, and I’m in no way saying I’m perfect by any stretch of my imagination but, not allowing someone to feel the intensity of their emotions, express who they are or simply just be, is cruel.

    Growing up, I spent most of my days feeling like I wasn’t seen, heard or understood and even to this day, I find myself strongly believing that I don’t belong in this world. I grew up in an environment where: my academic achievements were constantly compared to others; love had to be earned; nothing I ever did was good enough; and I was consistently told that I was ungrateful, selfish and rude. My hobbies were mapped out for me, my life was kept on the straight and narrow, and my feelings – well they were often dismissed, as well as hugely misunderstood. Even to this day, I have people in my life that say I’m exaggerating, dramatic or crazy. Though often unintentional, some people also say “but you have so much to be grateful for, think of all those people starving in Africa or who have it worse than you”. Oh right, okay then – just because I’m not impoverished or don’t have a terminal illness, I am not allowed to feel a certain way? Seriously, what kind of bulls**t is that?!

    Having been misunderstood for most of my adult life, I want to tell people who are struggling from the effects of emotional invalidation (be it from the past or the present) that your feelings matter. What you think, believe and feel in the depths of your soul matters. That feeling you get before an important business meeting matters. That pain you feel when you see a loved one moving on matters. It all matters. However, the most important thing to remember is that YOU matter and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

    It’s all too easy to rely on others as well as external situations as a means of validation. However, what I’ve come to realise (albeit painfully so) is that no-one has your back apart from you. Yes, you read that correctly and I’d like you to read that again, but no-one has your back apart from you. Sadly, nothing in this life is guaranteed, including people, places and things. We all make mistakes, hurt people and make the wrong choices. But, it’s important to realise that this is what makes us human. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and looking to achievements or others to validate you, validate yourself.

    What do I mean by that? Well, think of what you might say to a friend who is struggling with difficult feelings or emotions and just wants to be authentic by expressing how they feel to you. How would you respond? If you have even an ounce of empathy, I imagine you would say something along the lines of: “I hear you”; “That must be difficult”; “It’s okay to feel the way you do”; and so on. I therefore implore you to flip that on it’s head and say all of those things to yourself.

    Next time you’re feeling low and like everything’s too much; pause, step back and take a breath. What you’re feeling is okay and sometimes it’s okay not to be okay. You have an inherent strength inside of you so don’t invalidate yourself. Instead, self soothe and look at how much stronger you will be as a result of this moment, for it too shall pass.

    Validation comes from within. Remember that.

    Spread your wings and soar,

    The Confused Butterfly

    Disclaimer: The contents of this website are intended for educational purposes only. Nothing found on this site should be a substitute for professional medical advice nor is it a substitute for therapy. Therefore, please seek the advice of a Doctor or Mental Health Practitioner if you have any concerns about your wellbeing. These views are personal to me and are in no way a representation of other individuals or organisations.